Control adds structure to chaos and unpredictability. It settles things right when everything seems to slip out of our hands. As people, we seek the soothing success of control because it stops the mess our lives sometimes are — and that’s okay. Control means we have a grip on our actions and environment. But there’s a fine line between keeping things steady and white-knuckling everything.
The moment we try to control everything, we become rigid, anxious, and unhappy. What is the price we pay for living on a tight leash, and what is a healthier choice?
Control Is an Illusion
We might think that if we plan, color-code every action, train our minds and bodies, and carefully profile every person in our lives, we can finally achieve peace of mind and keep it all together. A parent might think that just by knowing ADHD symptoms in kids, they can predict most crises; a worker may believe that having a rigid structure will give them a promotion; a dancer hopes that learning all the correct movements will ensure top performance.
That is, unfortunately, not true at all. Life is unpredictable. One day you can be on top, and the other day will bring all of it tumbling down. Plans get derailed. People surprise us. Weather changes. Cars break.
And even our hearts can do a 180 in just a few minutes.
The more we hope for this stability, the more we set ourselves up for disappointment and a sense of failure.
What is true stability, then? It’s the faith in our own ability to adapt, no matter the change. However, most of us aren’t used to this flexibility.
The Cost of Total Control
Our attempts to control everything have long-term consequences for our wellness, as it involves a lot of our physical and mental resources. We might think this saves us from making mistakes, but the reality shows otherwise.
We Lose Authenticity
Living in a mental straightjacket isn’t just about our lives; it also sets strict limits for our own personality. Having a specific vision of ourselves makes us lose any sense of self because we trade it for control.
Who are we when we behave according to a set of rules, never showing ourselves to others? Just a combination of features and reactions that don’t speak from our heart.
Control tends to script our lives in advance. We plan the conversation before we’ve had it. We filter our emotions before we feel them. We pick careers, relationships, and routines that seem “stable,” even if they don’t light us up — as explored in more detail on techtimes.com, this kind of stability can quietly erode our sense of self. After some time, we start to feel like we no longer enjoy being in our own skin.
Relationships? Error 404
There’s no script when we speak of other people. Everyone is unpredictable, even the most “nerdy” or A+ person. Some control freaks might try to restrict the lives of others, overstepping the boundaries and fitting themselves where there’s no place for that. This eventually leads to conflicts as we are encroaching on others’ spaces.
Others might struggle to talk to us or even be in our company. Spending time with us becomes a chore because we have strict rules and expectations for every activity. This demonstrates the erosion of trust; we overtake relationships and treat them as another battle zone of something to fix. Yes, relationships aren’t perfect; so what? We are attracted to others because we seek to learn something about them. When we set others into a box, it’s no longer a relationship — merely a mirror of our own making.
Dead Ends
Some of the best opportunities come from the unexpected turns in our lives. You might receive a great job offer just because you’ll browse through LinkedIn at the right moment; you may have found excellent cheap tickets to a dreamed-of destination because you decide to give it a chance. These things are impossible when we don’t steer away from the course.
Some of life’s best moments aren’t planned — they fall onto us like summer rain, and we can only choose whether to accept them. If we stop, hesitate, or say no, the chance might never come again. Closing ourselves off to new opportunities can entirely stifle our growth.
What Now?
Fine, you say, so what do we do next?
Do One Thing Without a Plan
Start small. Do only one thing that doesn’t require scheduling or preparation. Let yourself stumble into it by chance. Take a spontaneous walk. Pick up a movie or a book that you didn’t plan to. Buy a funny item of clothing that doesn’t match your rigid style. These little acts of improvisation will show you how even tiny details can bring you joy. Even if something goes wrong, you’ll see that it’s not a catastrophe, and there’s something salvageable in every situation.
Let Someone Else Take a Lead
Let Someone Else Take a LeadBe brave and try to allow someone else to pick the path for the two of you. If you’re always the one to choose your trip plans, let your friend do it. If you have specific expectations for your weekly meetups, ask someone else for help instead.
This will show you that someone else’s way might differ, but it’s not necessarily worse. It can even open up some opportunities you weren’t aware of before.
Leave Some Space to Experiment
A lot of the time, control comes from the absence of something — limited time, resources, or effort. Let yourself experiment and develop a tiny space between your 100% and 0% (because control isn’t a white-or-black picture). When preparing for something, give yourself an extra 30 minutes. When planning what to purchase for your home, add a few spare dollars on top.
These additional minutes, moments, or resources allow you to reflect and explore new ideas.
Into the (Lesser-Known) Future
Taking a step into the unknown can get nerve-wracking. We get that. So, learn to be brave and unconventional bit by bit. And when the urge to control everything returns to you and tries to get back into your life, remind yourself: you don’t have to hold it all. Every moment can carry itself. Soon, feeling in charge will no longer feel like a straight line and more like an ocean of new quests ahead.
